Apple kicks ass, takes names

October 16, 2003

This an old, sarcastic news post from when I was in college. I apologise.

Apple Logo

CUPERTINO, USA - Apple Computer has made a flurry of announcements and releases in the last two months that have pleased existing fans and earned it new ones. Recent months have seen new PowerBooks, new iMacs, the PowerMac G5, new iPods with new accessories, a new Music Store for Mac and Windows, and the cherry on top, the new version of its operating system coming out in less than a week.

Possibly the most talked-about announcement in this period is the ridiculously powerful Power Mac G5. Lauded by Apple as the fastest personal computer ever (while hard to prove, it’s at least very close) it is the first computer to offer 64-bit computing to the masses, which gets Apple ahead of the game, already working on getting this technology into notebooks by the time it’s needed by the masses. A local systems analyst is very excited about these machines, saying “When I got mine and opened the box, I had to change my pants.” While we’re not sure what he meant by that exactly, the consensus is that it’s a good thing. While some complain about the “bang to buck ratio” of the G5, Virginia Tech disagrees. They recently purchased 1100 of the PowerMacs to assemble what is currently being tested as the 2nd fastest supercomputer in the entire world, which they’re unofficially calling “Big Mac.” We hope the aforementioned analyst doesn’t get a glimpse of this supercomputer.

The coming of iPods and their first-of-breed Music Store to Windows is partially a concession that to Microsoft’s dominance, but it is also an opportunity, assuming the software works well, to expose Windows users to legendary Apple quality. “If the Apple’s iTunes for Windows actually works half decently, people are going to wonder if anything else Apple makes actually does its job,” mused one analyst. “While that will probably just mean Microsoft will dump millions into improving Windows Media Player, at least we get a decent player from somebody.” iPod is also ahead of the game with new accessories including car chargers, FM transmitters, voice recorders, portable speakers, and a reader that lets you dump photos from your camera to your iPod.

New PowerBooks and iMacs aren’t revolutionary, but are good signs as well. The new iPod players keep their dominance as by far the most popular portable mp3 player around. When the next version of Mac OS X (10.3) is unleashed on the world on October 24, expect to see another wave of analysts changing their minds about MacOS, something that comes with every new version. Besides being faster and (somehow) more stable, the new version includes even better Junk Mail filters, some really awesome multi-tasking enhancements, built-in faxing, free built-in MS Word document creation and viewing, and so many new features we could write a couple more articles on just those. Don’t worry, we won’t.

The author of this article is admittedly biased, not pro-Apple, but against Microsoft. Microsoft ran over his dog.

© Allen Pike. See also Twitter and Steamclock.