New news article rumoured; experts baffled

April 1, 2005

This an old, sarcastic news post from when I was in college. I apologise.

VANCOUVER, CANADA - AlteringTime.com, a mostly unknown website based in British Columbia, may be preparing to post a new news article, experts predict. It has been almost 10 months since the last article, causing others to speculate that the News section of the site has been abandoned.

“If our calculations are correct,” asserted one researcher, “the average time between news articles has been about 36 days. This makes us certain that the next article will show up in the middle of August, 2004.” When informed that this date was clearly in the past, the researcher claimed that “statistics say otherwise.” In any case, many agree that an article is imminent.

Some researchers disagree, however. “It used to say, ‘Last news article, 8 months ago’ on the front page,” another researcher countered. “Instead of writing one, Allen simply removes the reference from the front page. What a dork-on.” This damning evidence isn’t the only blow to the arguments that an article will be posted soon. “Personally,” the researcher said, “I think we’re more likely to see the entire state of Delaware turn into a flaming pile of sweaty athletic socks before we’ll see another news article on Altering Time.” At press time, it could not be determined whether or not this had already happened, with most authorities citing indifference on the matter.

While researchers may not shed much light on the situation, it is clear that the news section is woefully out of date. Three years ago it became one of the first parts of the site to feature original content, with the first few articles appearing on an almost weekly basis. Updates lagged more and more with time, seeing some taking three full months. “Wtf,” commented one Forum member on condition of anonymity. “teh best thing about alteringitme used to be the news aritcles,” he said in an email statement, “but like, how the f can it take ten months to write a article?” Grammar aside, these sentiments have been echoed by other visitors.

“It used to be,” noted another visitor, “that we went to Altering Time to read things that Allen wrote. Now he just comes to the site to see things we wrote.” Some, however, were quick to come to Allen’s defense. “He’ll come to the site for other stuff too,” insisted one visitor, “like to tell us he won’t fix a bug, or to complain about Internet Explorer a bunch. He does complain about Internet Explorer a whole lot.”

This excess fixation on Internet Explorer is something many have noted. It has, some have said, actually caused Allen to lose his mind. “Don’t quote me on this,” mused one researcher, “but I think he’s lost his rocker. It’s gone from a dislike of Internet Explorer to a sort of depravity. Whenever you go to the site now, you end up staring at that creepy red ‘e’ logo. It’s sick, quite frankly.” Other purported signs of Allen’s waning sanity included ridiculous restrictions on visitor quote length, and something about a complete inability to round numbers.

In a prepared statement, Allen claimed these “supposed experts” were “borons” and they deserved to be “baleeted”, and then proceeded to consume large quantities of arrowroot cookies.

© Allen Pike. See also Twitter and Steamclock.